11 Tips to Stay Happily Married With Children
Not all of us gentlemen are fortunate enough to find our soul-mate, but a few of us get lucky now and than. If you fall into that category, than you know better than anybody that kids adds a whole new dynamic to marriage.
You give your mind, body and soul to your partner and once you have kids, figuring out how to distribute all of those things plus some takes practice. As much as children bring love, joy and laughter and special memories to a marriage, they can easily bring anger, resentment and chaos. A marriage is hard work and while there is no easy cure to keep your sanity, here is a top 10 list of things you can do to stay happily married with children:
1. Communication in a marriage with kids is only part of the Puzzle
They say communication is the key to a happy marriage, but that’s a lie. Communication is only part of the puzzle and it’s an important one. Let’s face it gentlemen, we are far from perfect. Most of us are simple minded and set in our ways. We will try to communicate our thoughts with as little vocabulary as possible and expect our lovely ladies to fill in the blanks.
I have news for you…… It doesn’t work!!
Communication is something that few of us men have figured out. In the beginning we are good listeners but as time goes on, our patience grows thin and throwing kids in the mix shortens our attention spans.
Bottom line: Talk to each other and let each other know what’s going on at all times no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
2. Stop Being an A** Hole
Look gents, we can be major assholes sometimes and we know it. The problem is that as time goes on we get set in our ways and can’t distinguish whether or not we are being assholes on purpose. You’re extremely lucky if your wife puts up with it. But eventually the stress of raising children and your lack of maturity is going to cause some major problems. Unfortunately, I have seen it happen several times over and it’s not pretty.
Bottom Line: Control your temper and stop being a jerk, it’s not healthy for you or your kids which leads me to my next tip…….
3. Don’t Argue in Front of the Kids
Our kids are around 24/7 and unless you argue before they wake up, your only time to vent will be after they are sound asleep. It’s a well known fact that kids are sponges and they imitate what they see in the household, hence the term monkey see, monkey do.
Kids pick up on our moods and if they see mom and dad angry and upset their behavior changes and before you know it everyone is at each others throats.
Bottom Line: Constructive arguing in front of the kids is fine as long as you’re civil with each other and they get to see mom and dad come to a resolution.
4. Give Each Other a Break
Picture this: You and wifey wake up to get the kids ready for school, work your 9-5, pick the kids up, feed them and keep them entertained, get them ready for bed all while each of you try to keep your sanity. Now multiply that by 5x for Monday through Friday and Saturday and Sunday. Now just rinse and repeat.
Eventually one of you is going to get burnt out and that requires a break. Work out a schedule where each of you get a set amount of time to kick your feet up and relax without all of the chaos. You can catch up on your favorite series, hang out with the guys or get stuff done around the house and she can catch up with gals, get her hair and nails done or take a well deserved nap.
Bottom Line: We all need a break from each other sometimes and the same goes for your kids. Live a little!
5. Schedule Sexy Time
As much as you need time apart, you need some quality time together in the bedroom. Let’s face it gentlemen, for most of us average guys, sex is probably 1/16th of what it used to be. When you’re dating and in the honeymoon phase it’s a magical fantasy land where you just can’t get enough of each other. Than you have your first child and between your new responsibilities as a dad and moms attention shifting from you to the baby, that 24/7 fantasy can easily turn into twice a month. Now imagine adding one or two more kids on top of that.
It’s not a reflection on the relationship with your partner but the result of life and responsibilities getting in the way. You have to take action and determine what a healthy sex life is with your spouse. As boring as it may sound, don’t be afraid to set an appointment once a week on a Sunday or twice a week Monday and Thursday when the kids are in bed.
Bottom Line: We are human beings and sex is a natural stress reliever. It may not be like it used too and that is okay but both of ya’ll need some TLC. Go get you some!!
6. Get The Kids to Bed on Time
Kuddos if you have this one down because it’s not an easy feat. Our bed time is supposed to be 8:30pm but it usually drags out to 9:30 and beyond. How many times can we ask and tell them to take a bath or brush their teeth. “Daddy, I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I want to play, and can I have my Batman blanket instead.” When you finally get them in bed and begin to walk away, they suddenly have a question and want to start a conversation.
When you finally leave their room, there is a sigh of relief and finally you and the Miss can wind down and relax before you have to hit the reset button the next day.
Bottom Line: You and your better half can’t spend quality time together until the kids are in bed. Figure out what works and stick too it.
7. Rotate Chores
There are some things that you may naturally like doing, whether it’s being outdoors and tending the yard to folding clothes and getting the kids in the bathtub. Than there is the thing that nobody wants to do like wash the dishes, fold the clothes or brush the kid’s teeth. If both of you hate the dishes than set a schedule and rotate. The same goes for poopy diapers and sweeping the floor. As they say, “team work makes the dream work.”
Get your kids involved at an early age to help around the house. It’s not very difficult to teach a toddler to pick up their clothes and throw them in the hamper or bring you a fresh diaper. Most of them like to do it and feel accomplished. After all, good habits start early. As your kiddo grows older, you can expand that chore chart and everybody can pitch in.
Bottom Line: Being married with kids is already stressful enough and throwing chores on top of the normal day to day makes it worse. Spread the work and everyone will be happier in the end.
8. Treat her like a Queen and Get the Kids Involved
Look guys, moms have it tough. They will carry your child for 9 months, go through hell in the delivery room, go through the uncomfortable recovery and still manage to keep the household in order. On top of that, she has do deal with your antics.
Have the kids pick some flowers in the backyard or grocery store, send her a video of the kids saying “mommy, I love you”, get the kids to help you make her favorite meal. We all like to be appreciated and if your one of the lucky guys who managed to find a great gal, a little bit goes a long way to show how much you care.
Bottom Line: She deserves more than just a pat on the back so don’t wait until Mother’s Day (one day a year) to show your appreciation. What goes around comes around.
9. Worry About Your Own Problems
Unless someone else’s problems directly affect your family, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. Focus on what’s most important in your house and that’s your family.
The problem is some people are attracted to drama, make it their problem and before you know, it’s everyone’s problem and that includes your kids. When you bring any kind of negativity into the household, especially negativity that doesn’t belong to you, it creates a stressful environment for mom, dad and the kids. And yes of course if it’s a close friend or relative sometimes you have to get involved. But if it’s causing a strain in your marriage make the smart move and leave other peoples problems at the door.
Bottom Line: “Ignorance is Bliss”
10. Get on the Same Page when Raising Children
I can’t stress the importance of being on the same page enough. We are all human and thus have different ideas of what’s right and what’s wrong. Opinions differ and when it comes to the way we raise our tiny human beings, those opinions can lead to some major strain.
Chances are, both of you were raised in a completely different household and have different ideas of the right way to discipline, teach, praise and love your kids. And that is okay. Don’t be afraid to sit down, pull out a sheet of paper and write down the pros and cons of your childhood experience. Once you have those pros and cons listed, cross reference with your spouse and determine which one was better, how you can make improvements and mutually agree to the terms. Put your opinions aside and do what’s right for YOUR kids, don’t get into a power struggle. It’s not worth it.
Bottom Line: Start with the easy stuff like how to dress your kids and work up to the hard stuff like discipline. Both you are in this for the long haul, do it right and don’t fight.
Bonus Tip: Stay Tuned for the printable Same Page Pros and Cons list in the Freebies section.
11. Make the Most of What you Have
Life can sneak up and kick you in the ass. If you’re not planning for kids and you don’t have your finances in place be ready for some stress.
I don’t think any man is completely ready for fatherhood but those cute little babies cost money and that big house, new truck and 2 week trip to the Bahamas you just booked is going on pause for a while. You may have to settle for a less than lavish lifestyle and there is nothing wrong with that. While you should always strive to make a better life for your family just enjoy the little things like your wedding anniversary, your child’s first step or the 1st day of school. Everything else will fall in to place if you work at it.
Bottom Line: It’s the little things that count. Make the most of them while you work to make them better.
Closing Comments
Marriage is not perfect and having kids doesn’t make it any easier but it can be a rewarding experience if you accept the challenge.
I encourage you to try a few of these tips, see what happens and share your results. There is a community dads out there who are going through the same things you are. Some have it better and some have it worse but in the end it’s up to you to decide what happiness is and make adjustments along the way.
So stay on the same page, stop being a jerk and make the most out of what you have. Trying is half the battle.
But what do I know, I am just a guy trying to figure out this husband thing.
